Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Diary 19 march

Yesterday my father and stepmom came to visit, like all other people who I know personally, they haven't got a clue about my plans to leave soon.
We had a great day, we ordered some chinese, my father warned my about how the government is talking about cutting welfare and urged me to find a job and get a career.. if only he knew..
My stepmom talked about her medical condition and my stepsister unfortunately couldn't come.
Before they left we made an agreement that we would visit them next time.. but deep inside I realize that this might have been the last time I've seen them..

I am also thinking about my mother.. the last time I've seen her was more then a year ago.. The last time I really had a good conversation with her was more then 5 years ago easily. The same goes for my sister.
Since I've moved the bond between my mother and sister became stronger then ever while the relationship between me and my mother is awful right now. We are not in a fight! not at all.. We just don't talk anymore for some reason. And I know that we won't be seeing or talk to eachother in the coming months, so I will have to say goodbye to my mother and sister.

Do I cry about it?.. No.. I wish I could.. but I haven't cried in years now, I have learned how to swallow any form of pain.

This is the state I'm in right now.. Saying goodbye to people, aswell as the lifestyle I have lived.. a lifestyle that includes modern Popmusic, Star wars, Espresso coffee, Internet, Microwave meals, 8 o'clock News and buying useless crap.

Only then I can fully embrace my new lifestyle.. A lifestyle of self reliance in it's purest form.

People who know me personally probably think that I wouldn't survive out there because I seem lazy and unmotivated.. And I can't blame them.. I never had a real job, I never graduated and lately I seem to have no real friends, I never go out... I am, as most would call it.. quite a failure.
And yes, I have failed at being a participant in the urban ratrace and if I stay here, living like this, I maybe die when I'm 75 years old and lived like a complete failure.

I do not fear death. But living a long life that is meaningless, pointless.. that scares the hell out of me!

So this is what I have to do in order to live a meaningful life, going back to the basics, living a simplified life in the middle of nowhere. So what if they think I couldn't survive? I can say that at the very least I know the basics of wilderness survival which is more then they'll ever know.

Anyhow I am going off topic here..
Saying goodbye to my parents and sister is hard on me. especially because I have to keep all of this a secret so I can't letterly tell them goodbye. All this secrecy is wearing me down so much. On the day I leave I will also have to face saying goodbye to my children. They are the only ones that put a smile on my face. Like I said before; if I didn't have any children I would have left years ago.
But I do have children and I love them alot and I know they love me as well. That day will be the hardest day of my live and maybe theirs as well. They are typical "daddy's girls".. Last year they often cried and freak out if I would head out fishing for a couple of hours.... Within a couple of months they will wake up and daddy will be gone and they will never see him again.....  The sheer thought of it makes me sick in my stomach and that day will most likely haunt me for many years to come.

Untill that day comes I will spend as much time with the girls as possible.. It's all I can do.. But I have to go.

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