Thursday, April 25, 2013

Aan mijn kinderen

Note: This is a letter to my children.. Even if there is a small chance they ever get to read it once they are older it is a chance I have to take. Since this letter will be kind of personal and of little to no interests to other readers it will be written in my language; Dutch.

Aan mijn kinderen                                                                                                         Delft, 25 april 2013

Lieve Guinnevere, Vanora en Yelena.
Ik weet niet goed hoe ik moet beginnen maar ik weet dat deze brief geschreven moet worden.
Als jullie dit ooit te lezen krijgen zijn jullie een stuk ouder dan jullie nu zijn en de kans is groot dat ik inmiddels ergens ver weg een nieuw leven heb opgebouwd en er is een kans dat ik er niet eens meer ben.
De redenen waarom ik ben vertrokken zijn talrijk maar jullie zijn niet de reden waarom ik vertrek en jullie zijn ook niet de reden waarom het fout is afgelopen tussen mij en jullie moeder. Ik ben vertrokken omdat dat mijn lot is en niet omdat ik ben weggejaagd en ook niet omdat ik jullie kwijt wilde.

Ik had 2 keuzes.. Vertrekken en het leven leiden waar ik altijd van gedroomd had en het intense verdriet aanvaaren dat ik jullie nooit meer zou zien.
Of ik kon ervoor kiezen niet op pad te gaan en hier blijven in de hectische samenleving en genoegen nemen met één of andere omgangsregeling waarbij ik jullie eens in de twee weken ofzo zou zien waarbij ik tot genoegen van anderen zou kunnen zien hoe jullie meer en meer van mij zouden vervreemden en meer en meer op jullie moeder en haar garde zou gaan lijken.
Als vader zijnde trek je tenslotte altijd aan het korste eind dus koos ik voor het eerste, wat ik ook gekozen had, leuk zou het zowieso niet zijn.

Tot het einde zullen jullie altijd in mijn gedachten zijn en er zijn geen woorden die kunnen beschrijven hoe mooi en uniek het was om jullie te zien opgroeien, jullie zullen altijd in mijn hart zijn en de herrineringen blijven altijd en ze zijn mij heilig.

Aangezien niemand weet hoe het loopt in de toekomst zeg ik voor nu vaarwel en misschien tot ziens.
Ik hou van jullie,

One month until I'm going to live in the wild

Today is the 25th of April and since I will be leaving the 25th of May today is a special day. Now you might think that in the coming month I might prepare even more to live in the wilderness. But I'm not.
I haven't learned all that there is to learn but I have (in theory) learned enough to survive out there and to make a living. But I will use this last month in society to help others, to find peace within myself and to bring peace and compassion to others, to read books and to write.. I will spend my last month among humans with humans..

My life has been turned upside down, no longer can I consider my life as being boring, empty and hopeless. The stay-at-home-dad inside of my has died and in it's place an adventurer has been born. At the moment I am spending my days with people who are, compared to me, like royalty and here I find myself surrounded with classical music like Vivaldi and Bach and eating food that's apart from being healthy also looks beautiful. All around my are books about mythology, great philosophers and the master of old times.
These are rich and classy folk I am staying with compared to me and my life is not what it was like a month ago. But it is good and it is an honor to be staying with this old couple.

Today I have blocked my bank card.. When my ex and I broke up I left my bank card with her so she had money to feed my children, pay for their school etc. Now it turns out she is working on getting welfare and since I know her well enough to know that she won't give back my bank card that easily I just had it blocked.. Someone will be pissed today... su*ks for her, I gave her and her family all of my cooperation and they have been taking advantage of my friendliness and weak position. It was about time to stop making it easy for them since they no longer deserve my respect and I refuse being a push over from now on.

Since I will be moving to Velp again to live my remaining days as a citizen on my own there is a chance I might see my children again soon, if not there is a big chance I will never see them again. I try not to think about it as it leaves my desperate and it f*cks up the mind from within. I have spend the last 6 years taking care of my children every single day. Now I am spending weeks without seeing them, hearing them and kissing them goodnight.. The whole idea that this would not have an effect on my is preposterous, humorously stupid and above all unrealistic. I could easily fall into a depression because of this, I could also "Take it like a man" and swallow it and pretend nothing has happened. Naturally that isn't good either.
Tonight I will take a knife and carve 3 small incisions into my leg... Call it 'tribal scarification', call it 'being unstable'. It doesn't matter.. The 3 incisions will symbolically represent my children.. losing them has scared me for the rest of my life...

Until I leave I seek refuge in art, music and religion.

Monday, April 22, 2013

My blog.. some future changes

Because of the recent changes in my life I do not have the oppurtunity to spend endless amounts of time on the internet like I used to before. When to folks I'm staying with are away I find the time to borrow their laptop and work on my blog. Because of this I will, from now on only write about my future journey.
So no more tutorials and no more information on bushcraft or primitive/wilderness living.. I just simply cannot find the time to do that. On the other hand, whenever I find the time to go online it will be spend either on this blog or to gain more info on wilderness living.. knowledge is power and this knowledge may save lives.

I will also be updating the List of items I will be bringing with me once again. since many items on the list are still at my girlfriends home such as the famed hobo cooking set.. tough luck.. perhaps I find the time to make a new one, but time is running short.

Goodbye for now. Remember.. if anyone has advice, tips or anything else, feel free to post a comment ;)

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Diary 18 april

My dear Friends, Readers, future Adventurers and those alike..

My last post was a little short while so much has happened lately in my life.
Like I said; Me and my girlfriend have broke up and I moved out in order to keep the peace. She kept the house, the children and my money so I'm basicaly left with nothing.
It seems stupid of me to agree with this but I did it for the kids.. They need to stay there close to their school and family and since their school, clothes, food and what not needs to be payed from my income I had no choice but to leave my money and bankcard there for the moment. Then again money means little to me so I'm not upset. Since the break up I'm staying with my family. At first with my father and steph-mom, and now at my stephmom's sisters home in Delft.
I am taking it easy here.. I'm not angry anymore at my ex-girlfriend or her family, as a matter of fact I decided to not get angry anymore at anyone or anything.. I'm all peace..

The whole idea of not being connected to the internet for weeks would have scared the crap out of me in the past but lately my situation was just that, and I didn't got bored for a single second. My life has been turned upside down.. I am surrounded by the most friendly people imaginable, they provide me with shelter, food and comphort without asking anything in return. Back then in Velp I thought these kind of people were extinct. I am keeping my mind occupied by being creative.
I'm reading books, writing poetry and hymns, drawing with pencil and charcoal and I'm busy with painting Aphrodite.  Is there an artist awakening inside of me or is it in fact a way of keeping myself distracted so I do not have to face the fact that I miss my children?  Maybe a bit of both.
And I do miss them, I wonder how they are doing and what they are doing. Apart from that I'm doing better then ever.
I'm sitting here in the garden. The sun is shining, flowers are everywhere. Spring has arrived and there's calmth coming over me, it feels like a constant state of meditation. I will be moving to Velp again the 4th or 6th of may (probably) to live on my own, from there on I will be preparing and biting my time until I leave the 25th.
All goes as planned....

Regards, Ralph

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Update: what happened lately..

Hey everyone it has been a while since I've posted anything. This is because my plans have been messed up a bit.
A few weeks ago my girlfriend broke up with me. Like I've said before, There is little love between us so I can't say I care and the only thing that makes me sad is that I miss my children.  When we broke up I stayed with my father near Rotterdam and at the moment I am staying with friends of the family in Delft. In the meanwhile I could not go online anywhere untill now. In May the 4th (or something) I will be moving to Velp again but this time to live alone in a small but comphy home. And I will be able to make the journey the 25th.
So after all plans have not changed.

That's it for now, All is fine. Greatings Ralph Sungila, The Dutch Hermit