Sunday, May 5, 2013

Diary 5 may

Hi there everyone

I am again living in Velp but on my own this time. I am living in a group with other people.. How do I say that in english.. About 9 people live in this house temporarely. Each of us has their own problems and some have seen more shit then others. We all have one thing in common.. We all don't have a steady roof over our heads.. You could call this home a shelter for the homeless and keep it at that. It's not the same but it's getting close.

I'm now living at walking distance from my children yet I haven't seen them in a month or so, even though it feels like it has been years. Since we are now living in the same, small town there is a chance I might sooner or later stumble upon them.. And if I do and they run up to me, what do I say then? Can I hold up the tears or would I brake down.

Since they are out of my life I have changed.. Boy have I changed alot
I pretend to be happy. Put on my biggest smile but only for a while. The entire day I have this song in my head.. "I am half the man I used to be" (Nirvana?) and that is exactly how I feel. I try to find healing in art, spiritual growth and other people. I find myself looking at woman again and my mind is telling me to look for love. Stupid...
I should be enjoying my freedom of being single after all this shit and I do not want to meet someone new and settle down again. I have past this. been there done that. Yet my mind betrays me and makes me think of girls I have barely met. Love and intense relationships cannot possibly be the cure so I will continue this battle with my mind and remain free.

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