Into the wild.. Trip delayed

I have to be honest here. I don't think I'm ready to head out the 25th due to emotional issues.
When I walk out this door I want to feel good but instead I feel like I have unfinished bussiness around here.
No I'm not crying my eyes out here but I can't say I'm happy either and I don't want to have worries on my mind when I'm gone. My mind should be clear, fresh and at peace.. and it isn't. And I also need to find out what this chick wants from me.. but that's another story all by itself.

So that's it. As it looks now I can't leave the 25th. And I have no idea when I will, could be next month, could be next year. Once I have nomore unfinished bussiness I'm outta here

Diary 9 may

It's a nice sunny day outside. I have been spending the last couple of days writing, listening to Tupac on youtube, doing fitness and I find myself fantasizing about better days in the future. I have also been walking barefoot for the last couple of days, I'm no Cody but I still better get used to this.
I'm poundering over my social issues, like I said before I have been becoming more social lately and that's good but not if you're about to head out on a solo adventure for the rest of your life. I even met a girl, or I think I have.. we'll see. I should have left a month ago when I was still a recluse. Then I would have only missed my children instead of any human contact.

Ahwell it's not going to mess up my plans, Goodbye for now

Sepultura - Ratamahatta

Diary 5 may

Hi there everyone

I am again living in Velp but on my own this time. I am living in a group with other people.. How do I say that in english.. About 9 people live in this house temporarely. Each of us has their own problems and some have seen more shit then others. We all have one thing in common.. We all don't have a steady roof over our heads.. You could call this home a shelter for the homeless and keep it at that. It's not the same but it's getting close.

I'm now living at walking distance from my children yet I haven't seen them in a month or so, even though it feels like it has been years. Since we are now living in the same, small town there is a chance I might sooner or later stumble upon them.. And if I do and they run up to me, what do I say then? Can I hold up the tears or would I brake down.

Since they are out of my life I have changed.. Boy have I changed alot
I pretend to be happy. Put on my biggest smile but only for a while. The entire day I have this song in my head.. "I am half the man I used to be" (Nirvana?) and that is exactly how I feel. I try to find healing in art, spiritual growth and other people. I find myself looking at woman again and my mind is telling me to look for love. Stupid...
I should be enjoying my freedom of being single after all this shit and I do not want to meet someone new and settle down again. I have past this. been there done that. Yet my mind betrays me and makes me think of girls I have barely met. Love and intense relationships cannot possibly be the cure so I will continue this battle with my mind and remain free.

In case you won't hear from me again..

My dear fellow readers.

As you all know it has become harder and harder to find to time to log on to the internet. I am still staying in Delft with friends of my father and everytime I am alone I head to my blog to see what has been going on.
I have always feld like I should write a goodbye-message to my readers on the day I would leave just to let them know that I have left to live my dream.

But since the situation has changed a week can go bye without being online so I want to let all of you know that if you don't hear from me anymore and the 25th of May has past, know then that I have taken off unfortunately without having had the chance to say goodbye. 

Also remember that I won't be deleting this blog but that it also will not be updated.. Since I won't be bringing a laptop, Ipad or other device with me with which I can log on.

Take care, No regrets