Today is the 25th of April and since I will be leaving the 25th of May today is a special day. Now you might think that in the coming month I might prepare even more to live in the wilderness. But I'm not.
I haven't learned all that there is to learn but I have (in theory) learned enough to survive out there and to make a living. But I will use this last month in society to help others, to find peace within myself and to bring peace and compassion to others, to read books and to write.. I will spend my last month among humans with humans..
My life has been turned upside down, no longer can I consider my life as being boring, empty and hopeless. The stay-at-home-dad inside of my has died and in it's place an adventurer has been born. At the moment I am spending my days with people who are, compared to me, like royalty and here I find myself surrounded with classical music like Vivaldi and Bach and eating food that's apart from being healthy also looks beautiful. All around my are books about mythology, great philosophers and the master of old times.
These are rich and classy folk I am staying with compared to me and my life is not what it was like a month ago. But it is good and it is an honor to be staying with this old couple.
Today I have blocked my bank card.. When my ex and I broke up I left my bank card with her so she had money to feed my children, pay for their school etc. Now it turns out she is working on getting welfare and since I know her well enough to know that she won't give back my bank card that easily I just had it blocked.. Someone will be pissed today... su*ks for her, I gave her and her family all of my cooperation and they have been taking advantage of my friendliness and weak position. It was about time to stop making it easy for them since they no longer deserve my respect and I refuse being a push over from now on.
Since I will be moving to Velp again to live my remaining days as a citizen on my own there is a chance I might see my children again soon, if not there is a big chance I will never see them again. I try not to think about it as it leaves my desperate and it f*cks up the mind from within. I have spend the last 6 years taking care of my children every single day. Now I am spending weeks without seeing them, hearing them and kissing them goodnight.. The whole idea that this would not have an effect on my is preposterous, humorously stupid and above all unrealistic. I could easily fall into a depression because of this, I could also "Take it like a man" and swallow it and pretend nothing has happened. Naturally that isn't good either.
Tonight I will take a knife and carve 3 small incisions into my leg... Call it 'tribal scarification', call it 'being unstable'. It doesn't matter.. The 3 incisions will symbolically represent my children.. losing them has scared me for the rest of my life...
Until I leave I seek refuge in art, music and religion.