Thursday, April 25, 2013

One month until I'm going to live in the wild

Today is the 25th of April and since I will be leaving the 25th of May today is a special day. Now you might think that in the coming month I might prepare even more to live in the wilderness. But I'm not.
I haven't learned all that there is to learn but I have (in theory) learned enough to survive out there and to make a living. But I will use this last month in society to help others, to find peace within myself and to bring peace and compassion to others, to read books and to write.. I will spend my last month among humans with humans..

My life has been turned upside down, no longer can I consider my life as being boring, empty and hopeless. The stay-at-home-dad inside of my has died and in it's place an adventurer has been born. At the moment I am spending my days with people who are, compared to me, like royalty and here I find myself surrounded with classical music like Vivaldi and Bach and eating food that's apart from being healthy also looks beautiful. All around my are books about mythology, great philosophers and the master of old times.
These are rich and classy folk I am staying with compared to me and my life is not what it was like a month ago. But it is good and it is an honor to be staying with this old couple.

Today I have blocked my bank card.. When my ex and I broke up I left my bank card with her so she had money to feed my children, pay for their school etc. Now it turns out she is working on getting welfare and since I know her well enough to know that she won't give back my bank card that easily I just had it blocked.. Someone will be pissed today... su*ks for her, I gave her and her family all of my cooperation and they have been taking advantage of my friendliness and weak position. It was about time to stop making it easy for them since they no longer deserve my respect and I refuse being a push over from now on.

Since I will be moving to Velp again to live my remaining days as a citizen on my own there is a chance I might see my children again soon, if not there is a big chance I will never see them again. I try not to think about it as it leaves my desperate and it f*cks up the mind from within. I have spend the last 6 years taking care of my children every single day. Now I am spending weeks without seeing them, hearing them and kissing them goodnight.. The whole idea that this would not have an effect on my is preposterous, humorously stupid and above all unrealistic. I could easily fall into a depression because of this, I could also "Take it like a man" and swallow it and pretend nothing has happened. Naturally that isn't good either.
Tonight I will take a knife and carve 3 small incisions into my leg... Call it 'tribal scarification', call it 'being unstable'. It doesn't matter.. The 3 incisions will symbolically represent my children.. losing them has scared me for the rest of my life...

Until I leave I seek refuge in art, music and religion.

8 comments:

  1. Firstly I am sorry about your girlfriend . She must be a world class b*tch and might I ask who you are staying with ? and as much as i feel sorry for you I also feel sorry for your children. I don't mean to offend you but it will be really hard for your children to grow up without their father. I don't know what the reasons are as I am no person to be interfering in your personal life but I hope life becomes easier for you.

    WISHING YO LUCK AND HAPPINESS

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    1. I am staying with friends of my father, a very kind elderly couple. It is hard on my children that I was forced to leave them by their mother especialy because they always were the typical "daddys girls" if you know what I mean. And in the future it won't be getting easier not knowing where dad is in the first place. I will be happier out there in many ways but I know that my memories of my children and missing them will haunt me for the rest of my life.
      Luck and happiness to you aswell!

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  2. I envy you, and soon wish to learn enough to be out on my own in the wilderness? What if your children had a change of heart and had the desire and will to live like you? I'm sure you would take them in on your adventure, you could have a little tribe. But being young all you see is the glamorous things in life and technology, so I assume it will take them a little longer. But make no mistake eventually (like all humans) they will long to be closer to mother earth and their father. Good luck to you my friend. I just found this blog and intend on reading it. Ty

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    1. Thank you for your kind words.
      Taking my children with me on my journey would have been great but they are too young and they deserve a chance to figure out for themselves if they want to live in modern society or not. If I would just take them with me it would be nothing more then kidnapping and there mother is a good mother and I know that when I leave my 3 daughters will end up alright. If my kids would have been much older then I would ask them if they would come with me. they are not at the right age to make such desicions. If I would encounter others who would love to live like this, who knows.. I might end up having that little tribe :)
      Take care and follow your dreams

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    2. Well I am back to send you off. You leave tomorrow. I hope you can get on one last time and let us know how you feel and what you are going through. I am sure you can make it, the solitude is a big hurdle, but when things get tough just realize this is your dream, listen to the animals, listen to the land. Adapt and overcome. Goodluck my friend. I wish you the best.

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    3. I should have been leaving today but in my last post I wrote that I can not leave yet. When I leave my mind should be clear, and it is not. I need a little bit more time to set the wrong things right. But I will leave this year while the weather is still warm (before autumn kicks in)

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  3. Wow this takes courage! I'm going to assume that your family decisions are what's best for you so I'll leave it at that. But living in solitude, that's hard, at least for me. I've spent solo time in the woods and I find that the solitude gets to me after a while. As much as I am an introvert and dislike the fooling vanity and trappings of modern society, I end up craving human interaction. I wish you the best and if you get a chance, keep us updated!

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    1. Thank you, I am an introvert aswell and I have always called myself anti-social.. but things have changed and I have accepted the fact that we are social creatures and I'm one of them. I will leave modern society but I will not hide away from people on this trip. If I ever get the change to keep my readers up to date I will;)

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